Growing Up & School.

From a early age, I remember being around the age of 4–5 living in a townhouse with my dad & step mom (I found out later in life when I was 16 she wasn’t my real mom). There was various moments of verbal & physical abuse that I endured from her that I recall. One of the moments was her chasing me around with a Halloween mask scaring me thinking it was funny, but there was 2 key points I specifically recall. One of the incidents was when I was in the kitchen and I peeled off the lids to my hugs juice jugs and combined them into a container thinking it would be “yummy”. She came into the kitchen yelling at me and cornered me against the kitchen countertop covering my mouth and nose so I couldn’t breathe. I remember her telling me “not to scream for my dad or it would be much worse” and as soon as she loosened up I yelled out for my dad, which he ran downstairs putting a stop to it and yelled at her. Another night I remember her trying to feed me corn, but shoved the spoon far into my throat because I wasn’t eating fast enough, basically choking me. Eventually, my dad and her was expecting my sister Taylor and we ended up moving into the home I grew up in.

As I progressed into elementary school I was very shy and awkward, so I had a rough time making friends. In the 1st grade, I fell asleep with a candle next to me as I was putting Pokemon cards in a binder with sleeves, trying not to have my parents see my light on in my room after being told to go to bed. This ended up burning my left arm bad and resulted in bullying during elementary. Soon after my sister was born, they had my brother, Jake. My dad and step mom gave them full attention, and I was basically put to the sidelines. She forced me into taking Adderall for being too “energetic”. Not only was my step mom physically and verbally abusive, but she was also racist and a bigot hating gays. Having that around me it rubbed off on me unfortunately and I regret allowing that negativity become a part of who I was early on in life. There was multiple times I recall her physically assaulting me, once stabbing me with a kitchen knife because I took a break from vacuuming the living room carpet to get a drink of water. She also grabbed me while I was brushing my teeth and took the toothbrush out of my hand, then scrubbed my teeth so hard my gums started to bleed. My dad ended up punching through the glass door to the stand up shower telling her to get off me. She would even spit on him, ran him over once, and threatened to get a divorce and take my siblings and the house if he continued to stick up for me. She would also be extremely verbal and physical with my siblings as well and constantly caused conflict between other members of my dads side of the family or my dads friends. Any time I was allowed to have a friend over, they would assume my step mom was nice, but I constantly told them she was acting different around people when we had guests over. Ever since I was a kid though, I would always go to my Grandparents over the weekends to visit. This became my safe place when things got bad at home. As I was getting older and started to become more interested in girls I began to visit less. After turning 16, I started dating a girl named Erika A, which everything was great at first and then slowly started to become more sexual until I lost my virginity to her. After that, Erika slowly began to be verbally & physically abusive often times hitting me or cussing me out whenever I wasn’t giving her affection/sex or attention. The only time she seemed happy was when I did anything sexual with her. Soon after it became to much and I broke up with her, which I feel like that completely traumatized my mindset afterwards. From that point forward I felt like sex was the key to keeping a woman happy and in my life. Later in the year my grandmother passed away. She was my backbone and biggest support system growing up. It was my first experience having someone I cared about passing away. I pretended to not let it phase me around family, but it really hurt bad. I fell into a bad depression and started drinking and going out to parties. I’ve never opened up about this with anyone, but I was developing a addiction to alcohol and hid it well from my family and friends. When I was sixteen, I found out about my real mom cheating on my dad and leaving me when I was a baby, which also was depressing for me for awhile. Going into highschool I was very socially awkward and mostly stayed to myself and slept a lot. I got bullied and harassed frequently because of how I dressed, me listening to rock/metal while other kids listened to rap. I got into multiple fights, so I went to alternative school. Constantly, my stepmom made everything and every conversation about my brother and sister. Whether it was their grades in general, doing well on tests, sports they was in, etc. It just bottled me up with anger and wishing I had that love, attention and support regardless of how well I was doing in school. They would constantly get new clothes while I was stuck with old stuff, taken on trips with her while I got left behind. They would get food at nice restaurants and she would come home telling me “Oh I didn’t think you were hungry”.

They overall would get anything they asked for, between having as many friends over as they wanted while I rarely could have 1–3 of mine over or getting items like tv’s, games, or anything expensive. In 11th grade I dropped out because the bullying was getting so bad. After that I began working with my dad, but life at home continued to get worse after I turned 18 and lost both of my grandparents. My stepmom got more and more adamant on her arguments with my dad over threatening to kick me out, and would threaten him with divorce, saying she would take my brother and sister away and the house. One day it got so bad me and my dad ended up being kicked out of the house for awhile because he fought against her trying to put me out. She told my siblings that my dad “loved me more than them” filling their heads with lies. He tried to pick them up from the bus one day and they ignored him. It hurt him so bad that he talked about suicide and thought they hated him. Eventually, we moved back in, but the arguments were endless. With both of my grandparents deceased and no actual friends to talk to, I was constantly drinking and going to parties as much as possible. I basically stayed drunk and away from home as much as I could be to get away from my stepmom and the dark headspace I was in. Enduring a rough life at home, being depressed and also having bad breakups I started to send photos of myself around trying to get some sort of gratification. Most people thought of it as me being “sexual” but in reality I wanted to feel love and less alone. Thus, mixing lust & love up unfortunately. There’s no excuse for how I started acting, and all I can do is apologize and try to change from those mistakes. Unfortunately doing that after awhile got me in trouble and has affected me ever since. I’ve not been able to feel alive, or really ever given a proper chance to be someone better than what my past showed. My step mom also caused conflict between my aunt and my dad making him not spend time with her and threatened him for months, eventually I secretly invited my aunt to my birthday dinner. This ended up rekindling my aunt and dads bond thankfully, but shortly after he ended up passing away in January 2017. After my dad passed away I’ve moved states twice. I’ve tried to speak to my step mom, brother, and sister since then, but haven’t heard from them in years. Also, while in high school I definitely took breakups & getting turned down a lot harder than I should have. Mostly from low self esteem & immaturity on my end.

The last time I spoke to my step mom was in 2022, this was one of the last messages I sent her. I eventually got tired of giving effort, then she would randomly message me once every few months and wasn’t consistent or trying. With all of the pain and trauma I had bottled up for years, it eventually came out.

I've had to think long and hard about this message for quite a long time. Mostly to see if you'd change and actually genuinely care. Also, to see if you'd check on me frequently or come to visit. All of which you've failed and continued to let me down. And because of that I have a lot of bottled up emotions that I needed to let out, which I know you wouldn't accept fault or would try to push it elsewhere instead of accepting it and being real for once. I've kept tabs on the "family". You still pamper both Taylor & Jake, giving them quite the funding I'd imagine & going on trips as well. Meanwhile I've been making ends meet any way possible working non stop. You've not tried once to offer visiting to see me, and they haven't either. And it's not like I even refused communication, it's the fact there's a clear disrespect towards me & a complete lack of things being 50/50. After dad passed away he BEGGED you to treat me good & to not let me down, which you've done the complete opposite and should be ashamed to promise someone on their death bed something like that if you won't hold up to your words. You instead, gave my dying dad fake words, just like you always have. Fake words from a fake personality, and if you're questioning what I mean it's the fact you've treated me and him like shit my entire life and act like the perfect mother & wife in front of public eyes. You promised him upon meeting him when I was a baby that you'd BE MY MOM and ever since those words came out of your mouth it's been a fake charade since then. It's a leech complex that you can't seem to understand for whatever reason nor own up to it. You've lied to him, me, Taylor, Jake and countless others draining any happiness from our lives. You tried to turn him against me, me against him, Taylor & Jake against me and him and also Sherry. You lie to your "friends" acting supportive, especially on that Gofundme raising money using my dad's death as a crutch to fuel Taylor & Jake's bank accounts, saying it was for school purposes. But I found it specifically funny that you included me in it, knowing I wouldn't be a part of receiving ANY of that money to help me out simply because I don't have plans for school. And it's just simple acts like this that show your true nature, but I'm assuming you'll have a excuse or try to point blame elsewhere as usual cause you can't admit to your imperfections. You simply needed to include me in that to get public attention put on yourself and your "prestigious" Taylor and Jake. I haven't EVER asked for any money or expected anything out of my dad's death. I wanted your fucking support, I wanted Taylor & Jake to treat me as a sibling and figured everything would change after the major shift in our lives losing dad. But with you 3 nothing ever changes unfortunately. Your lives are based off greed, manipulation, and lies. You think Taylor is perfect because she's smart and puts in hard work. And you think Jake is perfect and will pull out your credit card any time he asks. Newsflash, I'm not a genius, nor have I had your credit card. But I'm proud that I have had the ability to push myself hard, I've had many ups & downs since I moved and now I have a house, I have my dogs. I have a good heart and treat people with RESPECT, all of which are traits I got from my dad. Taylor and Jake sucked up every drop of your energy because you kept them by your side filling their heads with bullshit cause they "made honor roll". I'm going to keep it simple, fuck a honor roll and a fancy job. It doesn't make you any better than anyone else if your a asshole under it all, and sure you 3 can fool some people with fake smiles and attitudes but the real people know the difference between me & yall. You have always had a jealousy towards me and my dad, and you pushed YOUR kids away from their grandparents, dad, and me. My grandparents NEVER pushed them away and bought them gifts constantly, I even would invite them to go with me and you'd always make it a issue. You'd find a way to have control and told them that their grandparents didn't love them the same, which was completely untrue. You placed a fake grandmother upon Taylor, which she treated everyone like crap but you got enjoyment out of it. But the funny thing was, for her being your "friend" you sure fed her a lot just to shit talk her behind closed doors. You got mad over my grandparents leaving me money thinking it was a favoritism situation, YOU pushed Taylor & Jake away from that. And I also had no control over that and even questioned my Grandfather into splitting up the money but he didn't. Which, another thing that comes to mind, I gave YOU and dad $2000 to help when you both needed it. The agreement was that I'd pull money to help, and it would be given back promptly which I failed to see unfortunately because you kept it from me due to your greed. You gave me some shit ass poor excuse saying that it was "spent after I turned 18 living at home". Dad kept me there because I wasn't mentally ready to move, it was another control thing for you threatening him to move me out. And him standing up to you because he knew I needed time to understand the world better. You threatened him with divorce & taking the kids just because you couldn't stand him being a father and giving me my own pacing of readiness. You brainwashed Taylor & Jake into hating him, making him feel like absolute shit wanting to kill himself just because you weren't on the same mindset as him, and working with me equally as a mother. He NEVER favored me over Taylor, Jake or even you for that matter. He put us all equally in his mind & heart and you pulling the strings due to jealousy completely ruined a good part of Taylor & Jake's lives with their dad, and a big majority of my life with him that could have been 10x better. That $2000 he told me he planned to pay me back after working on a few jobs with me, then he passed away and you couldn't hold up to the agreement. I helped you out when you need it, that $2000 could help me out tremendously right now with getting a new car, paying off debt, pet bills, or anything in general that'll get me ahead in life, but instead you'd rather keep pushing forward in your fake perfect life meanwhile letting me sink and get left behind. And it's just really sad because you'd pay for anything if Taylor & Jake asked. You gave Taylor a brand new car, meanwhile you hold a grudge against me & won't give me money back that was meant for me getting a car. Doesn't seem fair to me, but also just seems like you don't give much of a shit as long as they have the finer things in life & I don't. With all of that said though, I think after all of the mental & physical abuse you threw at me and my dad, after him passing and you trying to put blame on me really fucked with my head. And I hated the fact I gave you that kind of control over my emotions, making me try to overdose and kill myself after hearing what you said. Having me think those thoughts and thinking you was that hateful and jealous over me that you couldn't keep your mouth shut on a touchy subject. Never once did I say "Well, you treated my dad like shit his entire life. Here's a million reasons why you're to blame for his heart attack". Trying to place blame on me saying that I had him on that level of stress, meanwhile you was on his case EVERY day about money (cause you're greedy), about him not kicking me out (cause you couldn't stand me being there & had a jealousy issue), about his fishing (cause he's not allowed to have a hobby but you can go do your hobbies), about him having a best friend to hang out with (but you was up Millie’s ass or anyone that would give you attention or believe the bullshit coming out of your mouth). There was a MILLION reasons that I could have thrown in your face about the stress YOU caused him, but I didn't because I'll never go to being as low as you are. I'll never be a hateful person like you want me to be. Your words fucked up my mental state after you said that, just like how you ruined Taylor & Jake's mindset about me & dad and the reason Jake felt regret at dad's viewing was proof of the amount you pushed away our family. I tried hard to forgive you, and to be a better person. I tried non stop to check in on you, to check in on Taylor & Jake. The only thing that came from that was "I'm at work & busy I'll call you back later" and it would be a whole week that passed by before I called you again and got the same results. I'd never get calls or even texts back from Taylor or Jake and I eventually gave up on trying where I felt unwanted. When I came home to visit on Thanksgiving you had some drunk dickhead trying to play dad staying there at the house telling me what I needed to do in life and how i should just be a manager. I've already had MY DAD, I don't need your fuck buddy coming in trying to tell me how to live life, dad already taught me everything and the good values I do have. You got on dad's case EVERY day when he was a good man and didn't drink or anything cause you didn't want him to, but then you have some drunk douchebag biker wannabe come at me trying to shake my hand? You having some new guy showed me that you wasn't a grieving widow, if you LOVE someone on that level you don't move on like that within a short time span. You simply suffered a loss, and quickly moved on because you're inconsiderate of others feelings on the subject and only care about yourself at the end of the day. The other thing, was I asked you NUMEROUS times that I wanted my dad's ashes, which you told me you'd give me then went back on your words and wouldn't give me any cause "you can't let go yet". Frankly put, HE'S MY DAMN DAD. I deserve to have a piece of him, and I couldn't give a shit if you was married or not he's my father and you're holding me from having a part of him with me. And the other thing that got under my skin, was the fact I begged everyone to go enjoy a family dinner and take photos, and instead you let Jake and his 50 friends stay in his room and order 100 pizzas having the audacity to ask you to bring him some Outback home for him and his friends. When instead, you should have nutted up and told his friends to go home, brought him with us, enjoyed dinner with what little time I had visiting, and been mature and grown up to take a fucking photograph as a family instead of telling me "oh, I don't want my life posted on social media". I regret every day not having many photos with my dad with how close we was. And when I ask yall for photos because I never know what tomorrow brings and I don't want to live with more guilt of not having memories, you decide to give a excuse cause you're stuck on your immature petty bullshit. But, you have no issue posting your social life when it comes to photos with you and them, going on trips, graduations, etc. Point blank, you're a control freak and want to keep me as the black sheep in front of your "friends". I've tried, tried and tried constantly to be a part of yalls lives. And the fact you think messaging me on Facebook hardly any during a span of a whole year for multiple years means something to me, well newsflash it doesn't mean a damn thing. You, Taylor or Jake could have messaged me regularly, asked me for my number and called me, asked to come visit, gave me money when I was struggling, or a million other things, and instead I get a poor ass "hello" maybe 3 times a year. We have endured a worldwide pandemic and I could be dead & you wouldn't have known because you don't know how to pick up a phone to call someone like a normal caring person, then again it's just expected from someone that's heartless and selfish so it doesn't surprise me anymore. At this point in my life, I don't know where I'm going. I've made my mistakes, messed up with women cause my whole mindset is ruined, and overall it's been a bumpy ride. But as much of a shitty life as I've had, I have support from Sherry, Michael & Crystal which would do anything to make sure I'm happy or taken care of, something which you should have done. They're my family, but they have doubled up on support because you couldn't be a mother. I've had Tammy call and message me constantly after dad passed away and being supportive and motherly, which I expected more so from you but in the end you let me down & pushed me away. I have Ashley & Shawn on my Facebook messaging me frequently wanting me to come visit, and Shawn offering to come to Tennessee for a visit after his wife has their kids. Now, all of that being said you can shit talk them as much as you want till there's steam coming out of your ears. But they have been more of a family to me in a few short years than you, Taylor & Jake has been to me for my entire life. And this should truly make you feel guilty because you know how true it is. My dad passed away, and you, Taylor & Jake were not there to check on me. You didn't care about my mental state. You didn't care because I wasn't allowed to grieve "more than you & them". I figured that I'd move and everything would get better eventually but I had nightmares almost every week from being in that hospital room with dad, I had nightmares about the abuse you gave him and me, and every day it would weigh heavy on my shoulders. Eventually I met a girl that made that pain slip away, and I wanted a future with her. Things got serious and for once I felt like life was normal. Then she suddenly moved, she got pregnant & engaged within the following month and it shattered any last bit of hope or happiness I felt. I got in a dark place, hosted music events and got deep into hookups cause I couldn't feel anything anymore and felt alone, and I needed to feel loved before I cut my life short. After about a year of being in a really bad place mentally women that I was intimate with accused me of rape or being a bad person in general when I've NEVER forced myself on any woman in my life. I lost all my friends, I lost my ability to host events which is honestly the only thing I was good at, I lost jobs, I lost my respect in town, I received death threats, I got jumped in town, I had a guy stalk me till I got home and sneak up on me fighting me then he pulled a gun, and overall I've lost everything because everyone ALWAYS believes women over a man's side of things. Honestly, I'm surprised I'm not dead yet from running into the wrong person that was told about it, or simply from all of the depression just eventually getting control over my mind. I can't fix it because no one believes my side, regardless of proof or my story. And people will always say that me having autism isn't a excuse as well. Point is, things got really rough on me and I should be dead by now but I'm not. I'm happy that I've endured so much in life and I still try to see the good in people. I try to treat people with respect. And even though I had a rough patch with women, I try my hardest every day to treat women with respect and never get in that dark headspace again. So, I really hope this answers your questions as to "how I'm doing" because I really figured you deserved to know. Please don't respond with any negativity, don't try to put blame on others or draw focus away from yourself. You NEED to let every word I say sink in, own up to everything and accept your faults and fuck ups if you ever intend to be a part of my life again. This message isn't a "I hate you, Taylor & Jake" just to be clear. It's more of a you're a shitty ass fake mother and deserved to hear the truth & every emotion I've kept bottled up. If you ever cared about me, you have a LOT of proving to do, and I'm not settling for less than I deserve. Same goes for Taylor & Jake, if they even care about me at all. I've thought about yall, but unfortunately the bad outweighs the good, and I believe it's time I felt like a priority family/son wise. I deserve to feel wanted and if none of you can give effort I'd rather just cease all communication.